Want some candy, child??

Working at my church is like having 25 grandmas.

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Add a comment August 27, 2008

Sorry, we’re down-sizing…

We just moved into a new apartment this weekend.  Our old apartment had two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a decent-sized kitchen, living room, and dining room, and a bunch of closets and storage.  This apartment has 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, a tiny kitchen, living room and dining room, and almost no storage.  Because of all this down-sizing, a bunch of my possessions have been laid off.  

The department experiencing the greatest loss is that of my clothes.  I hate to say that the clothes who have been with the company for years are being replaced by newer, fresher ones.  And yes, we are discriminating based on how pretty the clothes are. There is no longer room for ugly, homely, or imperfect clothing in our closet anymore.  We are also shifting clothes from their previously spacious cubicles to those of a much smaller, more cramped size.

While the move has been uncomfortable, it’s also been a good opportunity to shed some of the items that were cluttering my life.  But I have to say, I’m going to miss the torn up jeans from sophomore year of high school that I no longer wear but keep around because they remind me of when I had a nice butt.

Add a comment August 26, 2008

Quick! Somebody call an ambliance!!

Title speaks for itself.  The other day, a girl said “ambliance” instead of “ambulance”.  It was hilariously sad.  Or sadly hilarious.  Anyway, it was funny.

2 comments August 21, 2008

Grown-Up Angst

I subbed for an after-school care class at my old school yesterday.  I was in charge of the second graders.  Within minutes, one of the little girls asked me “Are you a teenager or a grown-up?”.  And I had this feeling like there was something really clever to be said, but 1. I couldn’t think of anything in time, and 2. Whatever I might have thought of would probably not be appropriate to say to a second-grader.  So I told her I was a grown-up.

Later, the same girl asked me this:

Excuse me, but has a boy ever looked at you….and uh….looked into your eyes…eh….and he wa-…and he liked….and he wanted you to be his girlfriend?

It’s been a long time, but, yeah, I’ve had a guy look into my eyes and want me to be his girlfriend.  In fact, the last time that happened, I was a teenager…

On a similar note, about a week ago, I was working in the nursery at my church and I actually wore a dress and straightened my hair (I usually look like “Aw, come on now, you didn’t even try!”).  And this old lady who works there with me said I looked like a teenager.  Then she proceeded to tell me that even though I was “grown up” and married, she bet that the teenage boys still looked at me.

Am I a teenager or a grown-up?

Add a comment August 21, 2008

Substitute America

I applied for a substitute teacher position at my old school a while back and so today I had to attend an orientation for all potential substitutes.  The whole thing was hilarious.  Besides the instructor going on and on about how wonderful the school is, there was this REALLY ancient lady and her equally ancient husband sitting in the front row.  At one point, Mrs. Really Old raised her hand and asked,

“Do you salute the flag here?  Are the children required to ALL stand and salute the flag? – Not like those Cobb County schools…”

Ok, so that’s bad enough all by itself.  I didn’t know whether to laugh or throw up, so I did a little of both.  But wait!  There’s more!  Here was the answer the leader gave:

“Well, yes, we do.  This is a Christian school.”

Soak it in, people!  Soak it in.  *sigh*  I’m so glad I’m an American so that I can go to Heaven.

Add a comment August 15, 2008

And another one gone…

Another day another wedding.  Josh was in his second wedding this month – the wedding of one of his best friends Samm (that’s Sam with a vanity “m” at the end).  It was the first wedding I’ve been to where I was still close with the friend AND knew and liked his fiance.  It made the experience much more pleasant and meaningful.  I made best friend #45 while our significant others prepared to be in the wedding party.  I also learned that Perry, GA has zero Mexican restaurants, one Applebees, and five drug stores.  The wedding was short and sweet, our friends were beautiful, and the reception was a blast.  And the best part?   My husband tried to do the electric slide.  And what could be better than that?

Hey, we’re gonna get you too!  Another one bites the dust!!

6 comments July 31, 2008

Hey, Leah, your epidermis is showing…!

I was walking by the receptionist’s desk and she says: “Ooo, I like your blouse.”

I stared at her like a moron because for one terrifying moment, I had no idea what a blouse was.  And then I remembered that a blouse is like a shirt, and that I was wearing one.  So I said thank you.  And then I laughed inside because someone said “blouse” to me.

1 comment July 31, 2008

Another One Bites the Dust – In a Good Way

I attended yet another wedding for one of my dearest friends.  It seems life is picking them off one by one.  Soon they’re all going to have “real jobs” and have bunches of ugly little children.  (No one in my circle of friends is going to have a single cute kid.  We’re going to be mercilessly punished by God for our ridicule of fat people, ugly babies, salesperson personality types, and friends that we don’t like anymore.  And also fat people. Nah, I’m just kidding.  Sort of…  I’m not kidding.)

This wedding was for my friend Darren, who I met in early high school through the church youth group.  The cool thing to do back then was to have a big crush on Darren.  I didn’t buy in because all of my friends were already viciously arguing over him.  I, instead, proceeded to date Mormons, COG good ol’ boys who couldn’t spell, and nerds that my mom felt sorry for.  Sidenote: the women in my life made me date nerdy boys that they felt sorry for. Ok, moving on…

Darren and I sang together in musicals and singing groups.  I used to tell him that when I was singing the Ooo’s and Aaaa’s during the intro of Avalon’s Wonder Why, I was actually telling him that he was awesome.  And as Darren juggled two or three of my friends’ hearts, we became good friends.  Eventually, I started dating the man who is now my husband, and Darren finally settled for only one of my friends.  We all roomed together in college.  Since then, a lot has changed, but not the feelings I have for my friend.

It was so silly, sitting at his wedding, prespiring undaintily, and feeling indignant that he wasn’t looking into the audience so that I could smile at him.  Why would he need me to smile at him?  His future wife was dolled up like a princess and was smiling plenty enough for everyone.  Like me smiling at him is going to make him think “Ah, now I can finally take that next step and marry this beautiful girl that I’ve been trying to marry all year long.  I’m so glad Leah smiled at me so that I could muster up that courage!”

Anyway, it was a funny feeling.  I haven’t really kept up with Darren well for the past few years.  Just a phone call or facebook message every once in a while, and maybe an occasional run-in at church.  But just the same, I love my friend and I want him to be happy, not sad.  And I’ve met girls who made him sad.  I guess part of me just felt a little jealous because I didn’t know who was supposedly making my friend happy and not sad.  But as I was feeling that twinge of jealousy, I was also happy to tears for both of them.  I don’t know Candace, but I know two things.  I know how lucky she is, because I know Darren.  And I know that everyone had supremely wonderful things to say about her and her family, and so I can figure he’s lucky too.  And that makes me happy – not sad, or jealous.

All in all, I’m proud of Darren; it was good to see him and all the other old friends from Lee, and I can’t wait until another one of my friends bites the dust!

Add a comment July 15, 2008

Candy Man

Thursday was a bless-ed day, going very well,

Until the boss instructed me to sit at Front Desk Hell.

I sat there in the lobby with my chin inside my palm,

Answering the telephone between each stifled yawn.

And then I get a phone call from my friend across the hall.

She’s asking me a question – plus, we really like to talk.

As we chat, I hear a beep I hear most every day.

The slowest elevator known is slowly on its way.

My friend asks one more question as our talk comes to an end.

“Have some t-shirts yet arrived” because her boss is expecting them.

At just this time the elevator doors release a man.

He walks up to my Desk from Hell with a black bag in his hand.

I say “How funny you should ask, the timing can’t be greater!”

“The shirts you asked me for are here – fresh off the elevator!”

But, wait a sec – I know this man!  I recognize his face!

I just cannot remember when we met or in what place.

He asks me all about my life and all the things I’ve done.

He can’t believe how old I am.  I used to be so young!

Who is this man who speaks to me, who knows me oh so well?

We’ve been good friends some time ago.  I know it.  I can tell.

It isn’t till he steps behind the elevator walls

And says to me this very thing that made me then recall

“I haven’t any bubble gum to give you this time, dear.”

I say “It’s quite alright.  But it was nice to have you here.”

The slowest elevator known creeped down to level one.

And I behind my old front desk began to smile some.

I pictured me, a little girl, all dressed for sunday school.

When suddenly I see a jacket red as any jewel!

I take off at a running pace and scream out “Candy Man!”

The friendly fellow reaches out to shake my little hand.

The beauty of this moment as it happens every time

Is once you pull your hand away, a treasure rests inside.

The moment I had scampered off to sit down in the pew

I’d slowly lift my fingers up and marvel at the view.

The Candy Man was special, but the best was yet to come.

For now I held within my hand a piece of bubble gum.

And now that you have wasted time reading what I wrote,

Know that you must thank the man with candy in his coat.

Add a comment April 24, 2008

So sick…

And by sick, I mean disgusting.  Can I just say, it sounds like a freaking hospital in the office today?  I cannot listen to too much more hacking and wheezing before I have to go throw up.

Add a comment February 6, 2008

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